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Firstly — PANTHERS WON! WOOHOOO! Football is back and damn I'm so excited. It was great to see the boys win — hard to see the friends hurts.  It also makes me miss that time in my life. I worked closely with the Panthers and the different non-profit organizations they dealt with. It's making me long more and more to start that again. There was a full magazine and everything planned and then it kind of went to the wayside. Shutter 16 Magazine got so incredibly busy I could barely sleep let alone do anything else. Since then I've gotten used to the crazy and I just need ANOTHER outlet for my creativity on top of that. I'll never quit that — it's been over a decade and I've worked way too hard to get it where it's going. Forever grateful for our team. But I think I might have a sister sight soon. I think I HAVE to. Ever just had the calling. I miss the non-profit rotation. Miss helping out. One year I raised over 1.5 million for different organization. Even I'm still broke it filled me with so much joy to help others. It filled me with joy feeling that often. It was hard when I had to go out of the field due to illness. I'm still not 100% so I havn't really tried a full schedule back. Maybe 2 events. 

Fingers crossed I can't be on bedrest anymore. I just can't do it. 

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Guess I'll go back public

It's been hard to not be public or be half locked down to friends or any of it. I debated starting a new journal but then I was so busy with work I couldn't even keep up with my facebook. Let alone my twitter, instagram, or email. Anything out of work it's all-consuming and I'm absolutely drowning. I want more places to promote the pieces so my teams stuff gets seen more. Any suggestions? We have a good stream of viewers and likers but a low rate of comments and I do blame the way it's designed. Meh. New website is in the works anyway.

So yeah, suggestions any lj-groups that enjoy new music news and photography?

Let me know!

PS. If anyone is still active I'm making my rounds. :)

new hair and glasses

Post Stroke Depression

They never quite prepare you for this level of dark.

I've never been quiet as sad as I am right now. Know much of this is some form of a side affect of the stroke they said as my brain heals I would have pitfalls such as this. I've been slightly depressed before - be it a loss of a child, a divorce, an impending something but never have I felt like this. Trying to curve the feeling I've set a strict bedtime as I noticed I was staying up most of the night and sleeping in late, or just not sleeping at all. Before I'd get tired all the time and sleep and sleep and sleep. Then again when I was going through a loss of a child I was going through chemo, When I was abandoned on verge of divorce (granted 16 years later) I was very pregnant and on the cuff of several painful surgeries and flooded with pain meds for so long I just slept and slept and slept cause I couldn't tolerate the medications. 

There were different levels. That's the point.

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Make it stop, please make it stop

You have to get worse before you get better. Today I have taken a nap on the bathroom floor in between awful bouts of puking. Had a tension headache in my neck and lower cranium so bad I think it caused the pukes that made it worse and feel like my eyeball was going to pop out. I was awake and OK to do an hour meeting around 10am this morning (phoner) and since It's been absolutely insane awful. I'm still in bed it's 11:53pm. All day, got up for some dinner lost it. Had a little icecream to try to sooth my stomach. lost it. Today is never ending.

Today is also my son's 21st bday. We've texted he has work so at least I'm not "missing out" we will celebrate soon.

The nausea, vomiting, dizzy, bones feel like they are breaking, eyes burning, shaking, headache like I've never had before, dry heaving, dehydration, lack of energy.  I was home alone and literally crawled from my bathroom back into my bed. I almost threw up in my bed and probably would have just passed back out but luckily had a bag next to me. I finally held down some Gatorade/pedialyte a bit ago. Ugh!

I know this is soon to be the worst of it. But I'm having a worse reaction to this type of radiation over the normal burn me everyday.

I can get through this day. I can get through this day. *crosses fingers,toes, legs, etc* Back to bed.

Cannot take much more. This is AWFUL

  • Current Music
    my cries echoing a hollow bowl
new hair and glasses

Having trouble writing things out again

It's not always the time frame or the energy level though that is some of it, mainly it's accumulating the words that are NOT so short like a twitter or facebook update. Not like many know what to say to me lately anyway. I'm a bubbly, fun, sometimes comedic type personality until I hit a rough patch. Them it's all subjective to the day and what else is piling on.

Lately it's : I've been out of work at least 5 months with no light at the end of the tunnel in my near future making money such a headache here I can't even begin to start to talk about that stress and how it all is.

My health is in between - I'm so exhausted and the times I get small burst of energy, end with my head in the toilet/bag/bucket/on side of road losing all things swimming around in my body and if I haven't eaten its still all the liquids and if that isnt even there I'm just dry heaving. Pills sometimes help this but overall no. I'm obviously allergic to radiation and am having a bad go with it. I'm almost done my first 60 day cycle.

Pretty much when I stopped journaling.....

My ex-husband who has not been in our lives or that of his two kids we had together - is surfacing around our old haunts in some ways he's adding people to his facebook that we both know and I can see him in my "people you should add." feed. Also shows in our sons feed causing all sorts of anxiety and all the shit he is doing is for a whole other update. It's been ove 12 years since we've heard from him. Our one son is 18. He met him for the first time when he was 6 for the only time....... needless to say I dont need the bs. He's trying to get out of his child support as well - like he's done NOTHING ..... NOTHING for them their whole life but every once in a while pay the child support owed usally it's a damn collection of his taxcheck and he's like OH HEARD YOU ARE ON RADIATION AND OUT OF WORK  NOPE NOT GONNA PAY.

New website is weeks away from going live and it seems we are having a huge change in our staff and it makes me nervous I need a new editor like crazy. It's hard we are all volunteers and hoping to have some money come in with the new website and being able to do advertising and hit that hard but it's all again in the air. I need an advertising team. You get 20% of all ads you sell is what I'm going to put it out as. Usually it's 10-15 but I'm going to go with 20 cause it will be from the ground up but the better thing is we are an established mag. But again volunteer based/run.

I'm so stressed, Joe has a new warehouse and a new company name getting out of a really shitty contract with someone doing SO WRONG. But now he's got 2.5 times more space.. a great family partner and life is looking up for him on that front. I just want to be in a better place mentally and physically and I am no where near.

I'm so sad - and sick - and just ...... almost listless.

The times in the day I feel joy is when I get to spend it with our kids and when Joe is home from work and we curl up on the couch and watch tv. Those 30 minutes before we close our eyes and lie in bed and hold each other. He is my rock and I dont like being the damsel in distress but when we sit there those 30 minutes it all melts away. I have never been more in love with him than I am this very moment.

Time is so weird and I cannot wait to be on the uppart of this roller coaster soon.

I apologize for not reading and commenting and want to remedy as soon as possible but first a nap I'm so tired <3
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Day 12 of 90. Update is I'm exhausted and have some weird face/chin/forehead headache. Sleep doesn't help much. Everything tastes weird and nothing makes the nausea leave me alone. So what do I do? Chomp on ice and try to make it through the movies with the kids because tonight is family movie night. #basicthingsareastruggletoday but tomorrow will be better with some rest.
Past few weeks have just been in between - ups and downs with the stuff. Some days I can barely tell I'm on treatment - twighlight days. The rest are like today. Mainly I've napped. Hoping tomorrow is better. I have some time to read I hope where I'm not drooling on my keyboard. Time to catch up with the friends list! <3
new hair and glasses


Today is the day of change in my life and pain I hope. It was a strange yet wonderfully freeing feeling . Finding out I can get a radioactive pellet instead of going through months of painful treatment that burns your skin to the point you scale and peel and scale and peel and it weeps and you cry and beyond was a great. Also, finding out I can get the injection this morning at the doctors office as we were next to Radiology and they already scheduled it - EVEN BETTER. I didn't eat or drink anything due to blood work this morning so it was all good. I also had two seperate cortizone injections into the spots around the tumor and frozen shoulder.

The things look like the photo (not mine grabbed from google.) The injections weren't too bad at first they froze my skin. Topical desensitation but inside my shoulder and arm are super inflammed. It keeps me up all darn night and all darn day. It's kept me out of work for months and on meds non-stop. It was easy and done in a blink of an eye. I could drive home afterward and I should overall have much less symptoms and it will keep me from having to go in once a day for weeks on end. A weight was lifted when I was told this. They also saw several rotator cuff tears, which is kind of strange how could I train so hard at the gym and elsewhere and not notice I tore my cuff? That was my question. At my age (not like I'm 90) but in 30's they are kind of normal to see but I have quite a few. It seems I was overtraining my shoulder quite a bit and there was already wear and tear from the tumor growing with no idea it was even in there just reeking havock on my bone and joints. As well as a few other wear spots due to it. Wiht this approach I should not have to have surgery, it will irradicate the tumor as much as possible and I have the probability of getting about 90% motion back.This is EPIC. Compared to two other doctors saying it was just frozen shoulder and couldn't do anything. As well as one doc just saying inoperable (once found tumor) and nothing they could do. You do sometimes just have to put your faith into finding a doctor that would even listen. The first said I probably lifted something wrong gave me some iboprofen and sent me on my way TWICE.   Sure I'll be exhausted from the radiation but should be half way normal soon. So excited.

Other things to be excited about lately? I decided to FINALLY get my hair chopped off. Up until my early 30s I always had some medium to short hairstyle. It fits my face and lifestyle and with needing time to myself and exhauston from treatment I decided to cut it yesterday. It took me 45 minutes to get my hair even remotely managed the other day to go out. I'm not a "get ready for 2 hours" kind of gal. I'm pretty much a get out of shower, squish the hair, throw on bare minimum make-up and there we go. Then having to straighten my hair to even have it look half way decent took way more than 45 minutes I'm done. Also, it was hurting my neck and I was over it.

Started here : (hair was wet right out of shower)
... and the new photo
I actually feel wonderful and a good haircut does that sometimes. Put on a little makeup and BOOM.  Pep in my step.

Good times with doctor today and that's rare. I'm going to do some Shutter work and sleep a few days but yep. Thinks are looking on up :).
new hair and glasses

Bon Jovi hoooooooooooooooooo!

I've found I like to journal when I'm getting ready to start the bedtime ritual. Joe doing his meds in the bathroom. Sometimes I shower with obnoxiously yet relaxing music on. Lube up with a ton of coconut oil afterward and wait for him to saunter into bed where we talk about our day for a good half hour, hug, kiss, whatever (wink) and goodnight. Depends on the night. Tonight I suspect it will be a quick talk and lights out. I'm zonked. I've scripted some on the new site. I've written entire articles on the nonsense the industry is calling music. A music community friends band was picked to open up for Bon Jovi next week. We always follow along with his career and it will be fun to do those images and interview then. It's in SC so I'll be sending someone out and do a phoner with him. Still moving on up for him and that is what we love to cover. Great guy, great talent, and most of all GREAT AT PROMOTION.

Time for some bed. I'm a bit boring but I'm just getting a hang of this again. maybe it's time for some games and finding more friends on here. Friend suggestions?

Been reflecting over the past few days about the fact I haven't picked up my camera since Christmas. This is unheard of in well over a decade I've shot at least one photo a day. Even my cellphone is dry and I usually do so many a day. I've looked through some older photos and know when I am feeling better I want to do some more Crossfit sets.

One of the times I was with Joe when he was training. He is def one of my fave to photograph but only when he has no clue I'm snapping ;)

Of course hit a concert but man I miss the outlet but my equipment is heavy and if I just have the basic camera and a light-ish lens i won't get the same feel I get when using the equipment I worked really hard to attain.

Positive in wanting to journal it is helping me want to write again. I apologize if I have a lot of type-o's tonight I'm just not going back right at the moment. I type too fast for my own good.

Top 10 things to know about me tonight:

  1. Lists are God

  2. Music is like crack to me

  3. I"m having a good pain day and suffer from more documented ailments than I ever want to type in one spot

  4. My dog is obsessed with taking bags of bread, rolls, muffins, anything gluten to bed with us. She buries it in my sheets. I'm allergic to these things and they are around for the kids. I'm not sure if she's trying to kill me or help me by hiding them?!?

  5. I'm cutting off my hair this week. It's well past halfway down my back but it took me 45 minutes the other to day to straighten it just so it did not look like I was electrocuted and I'm sick of it. Most of my life I kept it super short. Not sure what the deal has been lately and with this long of hair.

  6. Fell in love when an artist last night and it helped a new column blossom that my EIC has been talking about for a bit. I"m so excited to have it open with the new website and suspect it will be one of those "goes viral things."

  7. I'm starting to listen to country music now - I mean not a lot but enough. Does this mean i'm getting old, am suicidal, or just having a wave of need something different?

  8. I'm 100% Italian and with that little trinket I'm so excited about tomorrow. I am making a huge pot of homemade sauce with sausage and shells and pasta. All homemade (so I can eat them without reacting). It's days like tomorrow I look forward to taking my time and making something for my family to enjoy all week.  Granted I'm having a good pain day. I'm also doing some different homemade breads (I can eat) apple, banana, and italian for side of pastas.

  9. Trying to find something for Vday for your honey after almost 12 year is posing to be a nightmare for me. We don't need much, we are simple people. I don't care about the regular crap and chocolates are OK. I like a fancy dinner we make or somewhere we haven't eaten that isn't so fancy. He is the same. Maybe a new good book and a smile while we walk around with some coffee just talking. Honestly, alone time where we can just be outside our house and adults with no kids attached is heaven. I love him, he loves me... we celebrate that all the time not just on Vday. I'm a lucky woman and I know it. He's the same! But I do want to get him some kind of trinket. I'll figure it out.

  10. I'm perpetually awake. I try to sleep but the pain doesn't let it happen much. Even with the pain pills and muscle relaxers laterly. So I plan dumb games on my phone and think of what I'm going to write the next day. Once every other week I have a sleeping day or two and pass out for like 36 hours with intermittent pee breaks and hydration stops I think I'm about to hit another one of those any day now. I can't wait to be out of this fibro flare and just SLEEP.