My Loves A Verb

http://www.garethasher.com/

Scroll down a little and the first big black and white is mine. I love what he says about me :)

New meds have me either sleeping ALLLL the time or like I'm on speed and can't settle down. Should be interesting. Shooting a wedding tomorrow from 11am-5pm and then a show at The Milestone at night. Should be interesting to see if I can make it through it without collapsing I'm so damn tired.

I'm out there trying to work out the kinks quickly with the new camera. I'm still a little unimpressed with the shots I'm getting... well some. It's easier but the colors aren't as deep and I'm really just having to relearn everything again. It's rough leanring a whole new camera when so used to another way of shooting! Sure in a few weeks I'll feel right back in the swing of things :)
On to the photos.
For reference the lenses used on these images are......
50mm f/1.4
50mm f/1.8
24-70mm f/2.8
Canon 28-135mm

Pete Yorn [New Jersey](Band website)(Full gallery on shutter16.com)


( See other photos from random bands I have shot this week, some you may or may not know :) )

Thanks for sticking around readers. I'd have left myself a while ago ;) I've been really... lately .. = busy, not feeling well, busy , busy, busy, stressed, happy and busy some more.

I have few days where I can sit down and it not be about work on this computer stuff. The time I do I'm trying to keep up with my family and the man. I'm worn out. Officially I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Which in itself explains a lot of the sudden weight gain and no matter what can't drop it. They put me on the pill, metformin, and a shot I have to give myself everyday. I hope it helps regulate my hormones. I'm looking like a man over here LOL :P I haven't had my period in over 6 months and while part of me loves that and doesnt' want to give that part of this up, I want to get healthy. I want to lose the weight, and I want to get my hormones leveled and not feel like I'm losing my stuff. They took me off the depression meds that I only took for a week anyway as the test results showed how off balance my hormones are and they believe that is why I was having the not able to sleep and dragging feeling not that it was depression. Least a doctor cared enough to investigate instead of doping me up into oblivion on depression meds and not getting to the source of the problem.


Time for some DVR with the man. Have a desert and catch up somehow around here. I'll post stuff I just shot pete yorn the other night woo :)

Halloween 2009 with friends and family.

Not picture here is my two sons Jon and Brandon. Also, Eric and Aiden had not arrived yet. Beyond that this is who I spent Halloween with had a really great time. Jax ran around and kept grabbing candy from all the bowls and asking each person to open something for him saying "Good Stuff, Good Stuff!". Haha It was cute. Joe dressed up for the first time in over 10 years as the beareded lady and even got a wig that matched his true hair color perfectly. It was great. I'll let the photos speak for themself. Minus the fact it was pouring rain outside it was a grand time.


Awe our kissy photo hah. :)


Kimberly (Hostess) and our family friend Eric.
( Rest of the photos here )

I'll let the pics speak for themself but it was really a great night!

Actually there is like a 100 more at http://www.shutter16.com/gallery/halloween2009

I am soooooooooooooooooo happy. Can't even put it into words...
I think tomorrow I will really take it out into the world and work with it, but for now I shot some around the house stuff and I opted to stay in tonight. Still not feeling well have so much to do tomorrow and then it's all work no play again with the lineup I have set up to shoot. This camera is so badass. yay!

First portrait with my new camera


( Other photos and stuff )
Last shot with my old camear: Jackson got his new bed put together by daddy. He got on in at bed time gave us high-fives and kisses and get this.... WENT TO BED! and slept until 10:30am this monring. No middle of the night runs with him at all. So first night in his toddler bed was a complete success. Nap time was in between a few little things but nothing huge and he went down a half hour ago for night night and guess what? Sound asleep again. Go Jackson! I'm a happy mommy but also, my mommy heart is breaking. My youngest is out of the crib. OMG :/

Then Jax tonight with his little halloween shirt and new bed.
( and other photos )
Last but not least.. our poor puppy Casey


Our dog has been going crazy eating herself. She's basically taken off almost all the hair on her back, if I shot this at a different angle it would have been gross! So we bought this for the night I plan on getting some more oatmeal doggie shampoo that I've been using to soothe her pain a bit and gonna baby her a bit. The kids (one seen to the far right) thought she looked adorable. Poor baby :/

Had a meeting tonight for my website redesign BOTH of them. I'm so utterly excited I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even believe how fast this all has come on. Basically all magazine/newspapers are going digital. My magazine is all but in physical print at this moment and I'd be wasting money if I went that route my specialist informs me. The new site is going to definitely go off like crazy and I am so proud to have conjured up all the buzz, business, and put my heart into something that is successful enough to help me keep doing what I love.

Onto success... Crown Case Co. (Joe's business) and the man himself is mentioned in two big albums that were just put out. I'm so proud of him sometimes he'll sulk just a bit when bands are all emailing and know me out of a crowd it's funny but he's the one that gets the lifetime shout outs. He's so cute... so anyway. Oct. 27th, 2009 was a great time for music in this house!

Between The Buried and Me 's album The Great Misdirect came out.

If you read the leaflet you will see that they thank and I quote: Thanks to : Joe Floyd and Crown Case Co.. (which includes me woot!).

They called Joe today and told them to drop by the signing they were doing at The Fillmore and they gave him CDs one for him, me, and another for the shop. How cool!

Also, a friend of mine left a comment about Joe and the Crown Case Co being on another album that came out the same day. This one the band is sending to us.. it's
The Red Chord's new album Fed Through The Teeth Machine



Go check out both the albums seriously some great progressive stuff with BTBAM and some break your freaking neck at a show with the TRC's new album I'm a happy happy gal.

Also, I had a meeting with my pals I'm shooting their wedding on the 14th and they told me don't worry about formal shots do your thing. We love your eye. One of them has been a fan since the day I started! It's so great to have free artistic roam of things too exciting.

Been a good day minus still being sick and I have a horrible kidney infection I've been slugging cranberry juice all damn day!

Random shot of Jax eating some cinnamon bread today he loves it. Like the crumbs on his front tooth LOL


and his beautiful little hamhocks I can't believe are so big he is 2 now *sniff* where does the time go?

Still going on the don't feel so hot front. Had to reschedule an Interview with the band MIggs. They were one of my first interviews about five years ago. Crazy! I'll do it Friday but my voice is all but gone and their manager was cool with it, so it's all good there.  The boys though are driving me flipping mad. Oldest comes home and looks at a book the other has. Other goes nuts and wants the book back and starts screaming and crying like a 4 year old. He's 11... I tell him to sit on the wall, it's like they are sitting on a chair but on the wall they hate it and it a lot of time deters them from anymore bad behavior for the moment! Anyway, on the way to sit on the wall, he decides to go try to get the book back and starts screaming and SWINGING at the eldest. He misses, eldest does not. Now he has a semi-black eye at the corner of his eye. Holy Christ Batman. I'm one to tell them to not hit and walk away if someone else in the house (their siblings) are starting any of that crap.  So we finally have him on the wall crying about his eye. Put eldest on the wall for swinging back.. then while on the wall their sister is walking by to give me their homework. Eldest who gets a bum wrap didn't do ANYTHING (I was there little miss didn't know) she started to claw at him and rip his arms up and scream HE was hitting at her. Yes, they are step brother and step sister. It's been almost 2 years we've all lived together. They always blame EVERYTHING ON THE ELDEST today showed me a new light. Though I knew some of it. So she starts scratching him and stuff and he pushes her off him and she tries to act like he's trying to push her down the steps (5 steps to the living room).  She flips a wig when I call her on her bullshit and now SHE is also sitting on the wall.  Little man was with the only brother that did none of this behavior. So Jax (little man) walks up the steps and sits on the wall next to the Eldest and pats his arm as if to say "I know it wasn't you and they are all buttheads) I had to remove Jax from said position so he doesn't associate that with bonding or anything later on in life LOL but OMG. That all went down in like one minute. Joe walked in the door like 10 seconds later just after all the ruccus and I was heated to say the least. He giggled at me and just shook his head.

They are making me age prematurely I'm sure of it! Usually my kids are well behaved, I'm not sure what the hell has gotten into them the past few weeks but it sure as hell better get out because I can't stand it a moment longer!

Well I had a headcold and what not.. today Joe came home and fell right to sleep feeling like crap. Seems I am now coming down with whatever is ailing him on top of my cold. Oh my god. this is the absolute worst time. Had 4 shoots in a row to shoot and now I have missed 2 I can barely do anything :/

Got my new phone -Blackberry Tour, we're having an affair shhh don't tell Joe. I <3 it. Also, I got a new computer with a 24' screen. Everything is huge. Photopost is SOOO much easier and now I have time to keep up here and other places!!!!! Now to figure out the camera issue. Thinking of a Canon 50D and putting a lot into lenses and other equipment. I've shot some really amazing shows lately. Last one was Helltrash and Ventana. Ventana is the Mushroomhead sideproject. It was amazinggggggggggg. This week I also shot Lamb of God & Metallica.

Lamb of God




Metallica


( More photos under the cut )
I've also shot in the past few months : Evergreen Terrace, Emmure , The Disco Biscuits, Collective Soul, Sister Hazel, Black Dahlia Murder, Cannibal Corpse, and Behemoth and many many more. I'll post more of that stuff later on. Oh and I shot Helltrash and Ventana (Mushroomhead's side project last night). Again, hope you like something!


See the rest at www.shutter16.com

Also this will be cross posted with some other images to my photography groups just a heads up <3

I'm not sure what I miss most about updating here. If it's the actual freedom to say what I want without a million around me putting me under a microscope. Sharing my art. Or having the time to update. Trying forever trying. I'm forever easily updating my facebook but only because it takes a second and it doesn't take a half hour to collect all the url's for the images and uploading and all. Trying to prioritize I gave this up a lot and that wasn't fair to myself or the people I love from here I really look forward to hearing from. Thanks to any who still have me as a friend on here!

Lately, I've shot a lot of really amazing shows.

Between The Buried and Me




In Flames



That show was AMAZING. I've wanted to see In Flames live for YEARS. It was well worth it. In my top 5 all time fave shows. BTBAM always a great. Rest are on www.shutter16.com

Sunday I'm shooting Metallica/Lamb of God show. How exciting. I've been interviewing some really amazing artists to and just having a great go with my website www.shutter16.com check it out if you haven't in a while update a LOT. Actually it's updated about 3-4 times a week. Brought on another talented local photographer who I not only love her eye but she covers all the shows I wouldn't musically as not really my taste. Cool to have such a wide variety of things. Went to shoot Blues Traveler last night and the photopass wasnt there that sucked but happens. I had the ticket at the gate for me just not the photopass so couldn't get in with the gear.

Jackson turned 2 yesterday




I can't believe how he has grown. We sold the other house for pennies basically it was so run down and we would have had to sink close to $40,000 to get it up to snuff to sell. With that gone I'm getting a new camera deciding between a few with a few great lenses and that will be within the next week or so. With the new equipment I will be all the way a Pro. No in between, no turning down jobs due to my lack of MP in my camera (have 10 but need 15+ for great quality printing). I'm not even sinking in that much compared to some photographers I know that spend $25,000 on equipment but not that bad for my taste. Not even a quarter of that but still A LOT. I'm also, getting a new phone tomorrow the Blackberry Tour, and a new car (not new but newer mine is 8 years old!) need one to fit the whole family. Not sure what I'm getting whatever I want no car payments so it will probably be 8 years old with better maintenance etc.

I've been on a roller coaster of OK and then not OK. I miss my mom so much. I miss my best friend so much. I can't believe it's been 5 months since Warren passed, and 4 1/2 since mom did, still hard. Anyway, I'm busy getting ready to go computer shopping. Laptop is going in the shop this weekend (Joe's) and my dinosaur I'm typing on right now is holding on by a string. Time for a new computer as well. After that we'll have just about enough money to go to a nice dinner and then back to the drawing board. Oh well at least one headache is off my shoulders no more bills from over there. No more damn taxes and I don't have to look at the state of a house my mom convinced me was fine.

Shot a lot of stuff lately. I love doing photopost. Here are the ones I've shot lately that most might not know about.
Added another photographer to my staff this week. She is on a trail basis as I've not worked with her before but she knows a lot of people i know on the route and I really enjoy having another just in case I can't make a show..or really just don't want to. I detest country she likes it :)

Here are some photos. I'm going to update again later on today with the other more "known" bands

Order of Chaos From: North Carolina






See Rest of this Set : http://www.shutter16.com/gallery/orderofchaos
as well as http://www.shutter16.com/gallery/orderofchaos2
Interview: http://www.shutter16.com/interview/ooc.html
( Other band photos. :) )

To update again. I'm starting to heal the right way and with that I have been VERY busy. Pulling on photos right now for an update to share some of my latest works. I have a lot of stuff set up. Down on Saturday I love them. Got Joe tickets and other passes for our anniversary to that show. Friday I shoot a wedding out on the Lake should be fun. Weddings are always nerve wracking but I am excited. Also, trying to do all my emails for contacts to cover the shows.

Sucks a music aquaintence passed away this week. Stuart of www.deadbodiesdontdrown.com he was one of the first photogs I met wayyyyy back in the day like 6 years ago or so? I remember talking to him on AIM about him starting to do Tshirt prints to what it became. He was always at The World Famous Milestone Club (where I'm a house-list photographer). He was also the webmaster there. His brother is a bar tender there, it's going to be a sad day next show I see there. His laugh was always infectious and again Charlotte music scene is gonna suffer like it has been lately. All people who support it seem to be moving on or passing away. We need a new heartbeat in the scene...

Lets see I'm about to update with photos from Sister Hazel, Collective Soul, Cannibal Corpse, Black Dahlia Murder, Giant Squid, Grayceon, Sara Kelly, Golden, I did an interview with Sister Hazel and Giant Squid as well all went up on www.shutter16.com. The photos I post here probably won't be on there least not all of them. Hard to keep up sometimes. Had photopasses to Cruefest2 and when I got there they weren't at the will call. The venue guys were dicks and I ended up not getting in. It was a rough day, I emailed the record label who got me on the list she was upset my stuff wasn't there. They aren't allowed to give out tour manager information anymore so it was on a Sunday.. meaning office is not open. Next time just means I'm a shoe in for the pass so I'm not going to get bent. It did suck driving all that way and nothing. Have a few more interviews lined up with some big names and a few shows already on the list I'm excited about. In Flames w/ Between The Buried and Me. Lamb of God, with Metallica to name two. Shutter16.com is taking off well and I am also landing a lot of wedding gigs to actually get paid! I need a pr god/goddess to actually pimp my photos and get them printed elsewhere and take 10% for each photo printed that is paid for. Any takers ? ;0

Ok, on to collecting the images for the next update. That always takes forever. I also have some reading catch up to do. Might not happen all the way so if you would be inclined .... catch me up on you. What has happened in the past 3 months I have missed? I've been sort of dealing with a lot and trying to cope. I've done good for the most part, some nights are rough but I keep myself busy. Kids went back to school and that is always a plus. Minus the 1200 dollars in back to school supplies, clothes, etc. UGH! Here are a few of the first day photos I took of the kidlets. :0

Again, tell me how you are?!?! What's new?!?! If I should see a specific post don't hesitate to let me know.


( Rest of photos for kids. Music ones in next update :) )

I'm pretty stoked on all the upcoming events. Not so much the stuff we have to have cleaned out on the other property by the 9th or get a fine. Or the car issue.. or any other blah thing. I'm trying to focus on the good!

Photos at end of post from my last few shows :)

Think the worst thing about blogging is promising to blog.. when you know somewhere deep down it might not happen for a while. It happens with me from time to time. I get in such a place of hurt I clam right up.. and go back about 12 years ago when I was so hurt and torn.... and just fell silent. I went numb. It took YEARS for me to come out of that haze. I've had a lot to happen lately to cause me to go into that shell. I try my damndest to stay out of it. Now I'm going back to work and picking up more shows and money here and there. Enough I hopefully soon can get a new camera and stop stressing about money all the time. For now though.. It's a huge problem. I'm looking for a part time and to go back to school and all the stuff to get there costs money to. Least we are out of the red... just barely. It's crazy how fast you can have $30,000 in your account to being $10,000 in the hole and that is pennies in the business world sometimes. I'm tired of this shitty house and wanting another. I'm tired of the other house we can't get rid of and can't clean up because no one has a truck to let us use, and the money to rent one I'm spending on those little beings that go back to school soon. One month and three of the five need uniforms. 4 of the five need all the back to school supplies that looks like a list from back in the old days. Like they open a scroll and it goes from hand to the floor and rolls to another persons feet standing about 10 ft away. Parents complain when they have to buy all that stuff for ONE child. Try four.

That said. I CANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT WAIT TIL SCHOOL IS IN! Serioulsy. The kids are driving one anohter nuts. It's expensive to keep them busy out of the house and sometimes just not possible. Our eldest who is having the school repeat issues went to a camp for a full week. A religious camp non the less in Georgia. It was a good time to get him away to just refresh us a little. He causes a lot of tension in the house. He's the newest addition but at least that week away showed him some things on how he's not acting correctly. If he chooses to be religious he could but he's a scientist through and through and wants to see something to believe. I won't force it on him eithe rway. The get away though shed some light on things for him and that was the purpose. It was like a bootcamp. Score. Parents 1 Kid 0 :P

The Winter Sound


I have had their CD on a LOT lately. Doing up the review but it's just addictive I love their stuff.
( some more photos of the band )
See the full gallery at : http://www.shutter16.com/gallery/thewintersound/

Throwing myself back into photography I'm trying to base it locally I'll still do a lot of big shows but not as many. I need to focus on up and coming and help and still do others. I've stopped the tour with Incubus for the time being (again) last time I didn't go on tour I got pregnant. This time I just knew I was not in the mental state to be away from here and not work on our family , love, and time. We have been through a lot of rough stuff in less than a year with our family. I wanted to put them first and still succeed and show them it can happen. You can love, live, and work and not have any of the above consume you but be balanced. So far so good. It's really hard some nights though. Lately I've been getting angry with Joe for reasons sometimes I know and othertimes I don't until later and I realize it comes up with some of the things that went between us lately. Our four year anniversary is coming up on Aug 3rd-4th (LOL). It has been worth it but such a damn struggle. He has flares of attentive passion and then the rest of the time not as much and it's hard to balance that. I'm not a needy gf at all and I can hold my own and enjoy my own time and his time for him. He hasn't had a relationship that his partner understood he needed guy time and eveyrtime he goes and does that he comes home and almost starts a fight like "now you're pissed right?" which really I'm just asking him how his night was in the context of "hey whats up , how was your night honey?" not OMG YOU WENT OUT WHAT DID YOU DO I KNOW YOU WERE WITH GIRLS AND DOING BAD STUFF! It's something he just has to get used to. Trust or nothing, right? So there it goes. We are working on it and I'm sure we'll get it right soon enough.

On to the sad stuff.:
Everyday I think My Mom and Warren. My aunt dad not so much. She was away a lot and I guess my grieving there can subside as it still doesn't feel real and in a few years I know it will hit me. Warren though i took the hardest and while that might sound strange to some.. not your mom? No, she was sick I'm glad no pain but Warren still unexplained and unheard of... I mourned Warren the past two months It's been 2 months 5 days. Not one has went by I have not thought of him. Almost called or texted him.. not a day goes by I don't ask god or whomever why. Not a day goes by I don't think of the what if's.. Not one day goes by I don't have tears fall down my face. I'm not drowing like in the beginning. It's like 5-10 minutes a day I let the tears fall. Like right now. As i"m not drowing now my brain has finally accepted that it's time to mourn my Mom. I finally pulled out some photos to look at her face, her smiling. Some of the best photos she ever let me take of her where when she was on treatment. Cause she knew I had very little of her she HATED the camera.

The last time my bestfriend Jenn, my mom, and I were all together. To type the LAST TIME, hard. so hard. I look at this photos and I laugh and smile.

When I would try to think of her I could only think of a few memories of our whole life. It was my brain and heart working together to help it not hurt. Then the dreams started of her talking wiht me about the house and how proud she is how joe and I are working together ot get it all settled and fixed up. How much she missed and loved me and how she wishes she could have learned who Jackson was going to be more. How she missed all the kids but how she is happy now and she is OK. That I shouldn't worry the pain is gone. She told me in my dream that she was kicking warrens ass into shape and met little warren and he is the biggest doll baby in the world and they are taking care of my daughter who she is enjoying getting to learn. The dream was wonderful. We were baking cookies in our old kitchen I could smell and taste them. I could feel her hand on my cheeks wiping away my tears. I woke up and instantly in that moment I smiled and cried. That cry from your belly that rip roaring cry.. the one I cried when I held her hand and she took her last breath.

I held back tears about her until it was time to mourn her the right way. Til my mind could wrap my head around Warren passing, until I could say to myself they were both gone. It's still surreal some days. I'm the mother. Fully the mother not the mother with the mother over all the time helping and loving and being the best. The holidays are going to be so hard. Each night around this time is hard. I'm not sleeping so well the past few weeks. My heart has been hurting. During the day I'm pretty good and keeping busy helps but I'm due for a change of something. My hormones are off I haven't had my period since BEFORE Warren passed. I know I'm not pregnant (duh). but I know something is really off and boy that sucks. I don't have time for any of that and beyond having the flu once and little things here and there stress headaches and such I haven't had bronchitis or any of that crap in OVER a year. My immune system is doing a bit better I hope that keeps up.

Wish they were here right now to listen to my heart, and give their feedback the only way they could. They knew me better than anyone else. They could do it and to lose them both back to back was like some cruel trick from god or whomever to say... I'll get this out of the way for you.. the only other pain this bad will be if you lost any of the kids, jenn, or joe. I can't live through this again so all of them better out live me.

Now on to the brighter things... photos!

500 Miles To Memphis

Amazing band from Ohio. Ever electric on the stage. They write heartbreaking ballods and rip roaring stomp your feet mosh to the music sort of music. Brilliant, seriously brilliant.
www.500MTM.com
www.myspace.com/500milestomemphis

See the tailored and a more consise gallery please visit my website
www.shutter16.com

Interview/CD review will be up with the new site.. as well as possibly some updates on their new album they are recording. (in the works)

( Several other bands under here )
Interview with Tattermask plus CD reviews of Elonzo, The Winter Sound, Lamb Handler and Tattermask coming up!

Last night I was in the ER due to my heaache for th past few days.. and upon trying to sleep I was woken up again with the headache. Low and dull.. and when I decided to take a photo to update on a self portrait working to start with I noticed my eye was bleeding!!!!

No injury no reason just bleeding. The nausea and headache scared the hell out of me. Went to ER around 4:30 am. Joe drove me. He was really a trooper being there for me. They did a Head CT scan due to the fact I had a very impacted sinus and my mom just passed from sinus cancer. They said with some finding , but not to worry too much and have set me up to see a neurologist. I'm to go back in if it gets much worse or the headache doesn't stop before I'm to be seen again. I'm going to schedule it tomorrow but am really hopeful it isnt much of anything just being extra cautious. The eye thing was scary.

This is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY long. Sorry for my absense. <3

Happy Father's Day to all you REAL fathers out there. Including... my wookie.

Happy Father's Day Joe, father to five wonderfuls... and a huge inspiration to me.

Things got worse. Oh well, I'm seriously tired of typing the bad so I'll go with the good. I've slept a little more. Two of the five kids are in Cape May with their grandmom (other three have a dif grandmom). One of the two who are in Cape May are up the creek. He's gonna enjoy that time away because when he is back he's on house duty, chores all day all night. He screwed up in school and with this we decided with his teachers he is not passing this year. I was not going to let him squeak by doing the very least and getting such amazing grades in his EOG (testing) he was in the top 1% in the entire STATE of NC for his grades. which left him in the top 5% of the US of A in scores. For his testing and he flunked all the other stuff because he didn't feel like doing what he needed to do. He's 13 hard to breath down his neck about it. He's gonna do it and do it well. Or not do it and LEARN CONSEQUENCES.

Joe and I had a nice day. I took him to an early Father's Day dinner. Only kids home tonight and until probably about Tuesday is the baby. It's been so quiet. We've had a lot of things going on as well with trying to clean the other house out. I've found things I will never want to talk about, disgusting. I've just been so upset over there. Looking around seeing how bad the house went from how great it was. Oh well we are gonna clean it all out and slowly repair it so we can sell it for a good amount. I'm really between dreams at the moment. I've decided to finish my medical degree. I'll see how this goes. I have to marinate on it so I know it's where i NEED to be. I still will keep photography but I just want to do something MORe. I don't know how to explain it, but I know what I mean. I've taken little to no photos lately. It's rough. Everytime I go to, something comes up. I need to start my 365 again today.

I've cried a little but not so bad. It's brewing. I've had days I just keep pushing to get through and then some days I just cant do anything. I'm OK I'm falling apart, it will be ok .. nothing will be the same.

I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm living, I'm loving, I'm missing... I'm lost. All in one.

But I am doing better. Time to get to some alone time with my men. Jax and Joe. Tonight is a good night, tomorrow I hope as well. Time to catch up and try to be "normal" or less than normal because who knows what normal is. i'm sure it's boring and trite and not the box I fit in!

Thanks for listening ot this boring update.

Some major funnies to come though. MAn oh man I've had some doozies lately.

Days keeep going on and I am sinking a bit. Trying to keep positive, keep my head afloat. Sink myself into my family and my life.. forgetting the career path I have been on, just a little. I've not done a show in a month. Tonight I might. I might try to get back out there. It's my friends band, Sean. I've spoke of him. My big teddy bear who started me in the concert photography business. It will be nice to see him, get a big old Teddy Bear Sean hug and see the crew. I have been hermitting, from not just livejournal, but pretty much everyone. Minus the Bday party we had for Jon last weekend. It felt weird to try to celebrate life when I knew so much of my past was gone.

Made calls to people my mom had on her list to let anyone know who didn't. Far away friends that kept up every now and again. Then it happened AGAIN. To those semi-new to my journal I haven't talked about it much but here is the little condensed backstory of my mom. My mom was a lesbian. She met my aunt/dad in the army ages ago. They fell in love.. married (illegally) in a ceremony with them and their 20 closest friend. They were married 10+ years and lived happily. My aunt-dad was not so into the whole monogamous thing and in the end they broke after close to 14 years together. In their relationship they wanted a child. To do this back in the 70s was unheard of for a lesbian couple. So they did it two ways. One they got pregnant with a friend who was also my moms old "flame" her old boyfriend Barry Wayne. She gave birth to what would have been my brother. He was still born. It broke her heart. After that they were deciding wether to try again or not... It took them some 5 odd years to get pregnant with me. From what I hear it was barhopping that did it. They weighed the issue and didn't want a father to interfer in their raising of me as they wanted to be mom and aunt/dad. Long story short they got pregnant with me and boom here I am. I have no idea who my dad is. It was always skiddish with my mom telling me anything about that.. and my aunt/dad was always my aunt. I had no idea she was married to my mom but knew she wasn't "blood". Crazy right? I loved them regardless. It wasn't until I was 25 my mom finally told me she was a lesbian. I guess with all the great gay movements she felt confident enough to come out. I was happy , as I kinda already knew.

My aunt/dad was a great person but the army and such really messed her up..and her drinking took over. She was in many wrecks and ended up with brain damage she could no longer smell and her taste was messed up. Last time I saw her was less than pleasant she came to visit for a week. She basically got tanked the whole time here and told us how much she loves us. That is all that matters. She'd drop off the face of the earth for a year or two and then immerge again in a better place in life. She is part of all of my childhood memories and her crazy ways. When I was five she gave me the beer ponies telling me they were applejuice to where I'd stumble in the house and my mom would flip the hell out. She was the "cool" one hahah my mom was a hotmess for a while to but not when it came to me.

Regardless of how this sounds I loved them both very much. Anyway. I located my aunt/dad two days ago to inform her about my moms passing. I was bracing as I know it would kill her to hear it. They were still always in love and always resolving getting back together or not... well my Aunt/Dad has not called in quite some time. Two years to be exact I was wondering why it had been so long.. a year.. year and a half tops... since I was 8, when they broke.

The reason she wasn't calling is... Two years ago on Thanksgiving Day.. she died. DIED. I said DIED. They couldn't find our number as we had it changed and all were unlisted. They didn't say how she died but I pretty much knew. It has been rough. I lost my best friend Warren(first love), my mom, and my aunt/dad (before but just found out).. My friend from my old neighborhood Tommy's dad passed away as well. He waited for four years for a heart transplant. Had it... and two weeks ago his body rejected it.

There is a loom around me of denial. Then at night when everyone is sleeping I just fall apart. I went grocery shopping and saw someone on a cart buzzing around the store and lost it. I remembered all my moms and my shopping trips and big family dinner plannings.. and everything... I smelled Joop on some person in another store and broke into tears.. warren always bathed in that before he'd hug me LOL... I thought about chirstmas time and back to when my aunt/dad her mom(my mommom tigger who I took care of until she passed due to emphasema(sp).. my mom, myself and the boys as litte ones would sit around and laugh and eat and celebrate life and slowly my world is getting smaller. People I love are leaving.. and I'm still here.

It sucks I found out about my dad now. It sucks my mom left.. it sucks the person I wanted to call was warren.. it really sucks when I look around now I love my family so much.. My Joe, my boys, my daughter... and I dont want to live in fear of loving them because they will one day leave.

Death is hard, but living after the ones you love die is that much harder. I'm off to try to celebrate and live.. and try to start back at my cmpany and get back to life.

I love you guys, thanks for listening. I'll be back to journaling now as well. I want to keep contact and not lose anything else in my damn life.

Live Your Life Now. <3

Heart felt tears, and the gray sky that was your eyes .. that once brought heights of fear for you ever going away.. that now are realization you are no longer here... I feel like the descend is longer than the climb to the highest peak. I miss the clouds in your eyes, I miss the laugh in your spirit... Both of you.. drove me crazy and now.. I feel crazy without you...

Today I made arrangements for moms creation. I think my heart is bleeding. I cried some while I was signing all the paperwork but it was hard for me today to cry, to not cry. I wanted to scream and cry and run away all in one breath. Instead I kept losing food in and out of the bathroom all day my nerves just gone and I fell asleep around 430pm and didn't wake up until 9pm when Marla dropped by to give us dinner so I didn't have to make anything. I'm not sure if I'm fightinga little bug or if just my nerves..

and then this....

raven_twilight I remember mentioned he had found me on facebook under an old account. I didn't remember having back in the day with my old email.. and I decided to sign on and .......

Warren had sent me a friend request on there... and I just started to bawl. I want to accept it but I know somehow that will make some sort of damn drama start though if he wanted me on that page again I should add him. We ended up not doing the myspace thing as it always caused problems on his end as far as I know. Joe was always OK with our friendship. My heart hurts. My eyes are so red and my face stings. I miss him so much, I am still almost in denial my mom is gone. Its 3am and Joe is snoring on the couch he was up here watching TV with me. I'm so... I don't know. My heart , why are all the good people taken in the worst ways. I don't understand how they are gone.. When mom passed before I went to call hospice first thing I did not thinking was.. pick up my cell and hit call list.. then w... and I saw his name and I almost hit dial... and then I remembered.

When those you love like this die, you are never the same.. he would have told me things that made sense and made me think, be calmer, and most of all laugh. I can't do any of that right now. I'm numb or crying in horrible pain and there is no in-between.

I wish they could come back and say it was a horrible joke and I'd never take any time with them for granted...

Come back, please. :/ I know you can't and none of this will make sense. Im hurting. This will pass one day but never will be all the way OK. You guys not here makes no sense. My world is falling apart, breaking... I wish the tears would leave I have no idea how to function like this.

I'm going to try to sleep so we can talk. I'll meet you on my bench.

I love you more.


I'll be around to read and comment soon, I'm just... so out of it right now. Thank you all for your wishes, and comments it means so much.
Much love,
Dia

R.I.P. Mom 3/9/51-6/4/09

You were an amazing woman Crazy and fun as can be. Always there for me in my time of need and just time of anything. You stood with me through it all and fought a good fight. Cancer started back in May of last year. We heard on my birthday. It was a rough year. With some big lows, your hospital stay and going out of remission, some big highs with remission.. you seeing Jax walk for the first time. Sharing all the memories with me and your grandkids... touching my heart and helping me learn to touch others hearts. You taught me to not worry what others thought and brought peace to my heart now that you are no longer in pain. You touched a lot of people and were very loved.

Your last breath was shared with me in your room, in our house.. two doors to the right. I kept the promise of no hospitals. We were watching "The Notebook" and I was telling you how much I would miss you but understood if you had to go it was OK. You looked at me for the first time in days as you had slipped into a coma. I told you right to your beautiful hazel eyes that I loved you, and always would. You squeezed my hand a little harder and in the next breath it was your last. I sat there and waited , tears fell. Hard fat tears burned my face... I sat for a moment before I started to make the phone calls needed. I called Joe's name so he could just rush up the steps and hold me before I fell. He came and held me tight, his warmth in that moment was what was needed. We called the kids up one by one to say goodbye again. Kept most home today from school and did story time around mommom. Watched some movies but let her know we were ther. Marla and her mom came to say goodbye just in time... and my heart is now breaking again.

When Joey, Bran, and I were standing around her letting her know it was OK to go, I told them how important it was to let her know we'd be OK.. We told her and told her the I love you's a tear rolled down her cheek. I know she heard us, I know she knew. I know it helped her finally pass.

Two weeks has past since one of my best friends died.. of unknown causes from what I was told now.. and then my mom lost her year long battle with a rare cancer. My heart is heavy, my heart is bleeding... I am sad. She looked so peaceful finally. The cancer could no longer hurt her. There was no more struggle. There was no more pain.. Now mine will start but I am going to deal knowing she won't have to do any of that horrible anymore.. No more pain.. She is at peace. She is kissing my daughter now, hugging her mom and dad..Talking cars and kids with Greg, She is joking with Warren... and all are watching over us.

R.I.P. Mom. I love you with all of me.

I miss every moment of "before" and am drowing in every second of after.

This was another long weekend. Inside and out I was furious, elated, happy, overwhelmed, joyous, bogged down, care free.. long winded, closed lipped... and loved while loving. I'm a walking dichotomy. I'm experiencing things and going through things that were against me. Now they are me, they define me, they embellish me.. They make me feel foreign and fake and wholesome.. and real. I'm a mess. I'm OK.. I'm living....

There were nights this week of tears and no sleep. One day of a full day of sleep and my womanly time so bad I bled through an entire package of girly time friends. I can't believe it! Then the big day happened. The one that every gal dreams of since birth if they want to admit it or not. The ones who say they don't believe in it are either lying to others and them self or only others. You can say how much you don't want marriage but inherently anyone wants to have someone that loves them enough to want to proclaim it to the world. I want it, I won't lie. It scares me now as to how I think of it and how others might. I'm old school. The people married this weekend some of my closest friends are old school as well. I'm so happy for them.




It was a magical time. I barely took any photos as I told them I'd want them to hire someone


so I could enjoy the day and knew it would just be overwhelming I'd fear not getting enough shots or the right ones and they are my closest friends I'd never want that conflict. So I barely took any didn't care bout lighting etc. Was a really great time. Food was amazing, the reception was a hit though most people there were ancient. It was an odd mix.
( Rest of wedding pics (only a few *gasp*) )

Wish I had more time to write about all that is going on.. I just don't. Sorry. Back in a day or so!

Would you still think of me the same, if you knew some of the choices I made? Some of the things that have happened. Would you still think so highly of my life and love as you did before you read the words? I wonder, it's what keeps me from opening up all the way. I could never be able to stand anyone to think down on my decisions. They are mine, it happened. It was not a proud moment, it was some of the most torture I've had in my heart in my entire life. It's still tearing me apart inside. Last night I tried to sleep but the nightmares hit again, replaying all the vile things in my life over and over again. Some I was not present for it's what my imagination sees them as. It's so painful I wake in a full sweat, tears streaming down my face and I just cry. Cry and write in pain. I"m so tired of this. The sleep meds don't help me sleep. The stress meds don't destress me.


Some days I'm a walking zombie and in shambles.

Then the real me kicks in. I don't let things have power over me for long and I get my head back in the game of life. I realize no matter what people can hate and try to imitate and try to take what I have.. but in the long run they can never have this. I start to get back into the mind set things will die down, eventually we will not look back to this. I'll remember things in a different more mature light.

Wish I was not so level headed, I wish I could throw a complete bitch fit and go crazy drive my car through the house, stir up some other emotions. Take off and go party for a week to get away like in the movies, but that can't really happen. Not with my life, and not if you live in reality. The reality of this is, I have to either learn to repress these things or do couseling and deal with these things and let them be in the past not define who I am now. I've done this before. Overcome some luring demon. I can do it again. I just wish not righ tnow.

How can some people so close, supposed to love you for all you are. Lie. Lie and steal and cheat and take to things that are not theirs. How can they taunt you with it, how can they stalk you from it. Why would anyone want to hurt me in this way? I'm not sure what happpened but somewhere along the way... I was not even an afterthoughts. I thought I knew these people. I thought I loved these people. I can't do this anymore. I will talk someday. When I'm ready.


I took that photo four years ago, May 11,2005 in a bathroom stall.. who knew right?

My mom started to call ME mom. It hurts. It hurts to see her so fragile. Crying and when I ask why she is confused. She knows who I am some moments and others... it's so bad. I can't stand how bad my heart is breaking but how cold I am. i want to be warm and loving but I turn cold to deal. It's not how this is supposed to go.

That TV, the sound of the movies she is watching all she does. She can't get to the car, she can't walk. I cna't take her to lucnh or do the stuff I want to do.

I feel like it's all too late. All too late... and now she is crying about a movie she has seen at least 10 times since last week like this is the first time she saw it.

I'm so sad. This is not like me, my smile is always around the corner.

This is endless.

But... like the shot and the thought and the lyric..
Even straight roads meander


I used to be so photographically creative. Then I found concert photography I've been stuck so long. I'm good at it, yes I know.. but I want to be good at other concepts.. At creation. I'm starting a new adventure.

I'm on a road to finding me again, amoung all of this other stuff.